Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
