hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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