I can tuck mytits in my pants
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
