And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He shit in the fireplace
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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