He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
