I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
