I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
