You were right. It hurts to walk today.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
