Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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