the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I don't deserve a penis
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
