We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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