Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
