I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
How naked do you want me to be?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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