id be glad to
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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