I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
