you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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