Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
