I just pynch a tree in the face
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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