i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
