He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
