go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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