You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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