She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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