hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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