Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
