I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
