my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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