News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
