Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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