Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
40s are totally the cure
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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