Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
