Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize