I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
