Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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