Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
