and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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