Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
