I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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