i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She told me I should be a condom model.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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