508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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