We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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