The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
