You're earring is so big in my mouth
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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