yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
