Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm just crazy horny about you
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
