Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Randomize
