So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Randomize
