Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
