I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
