i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
