Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
