Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
