break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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