I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
