Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
