don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
